When God Changes the Story

One Saturday morning in the beginning of July will forever be a special day for us, it's the day God decided it was time for our story to change. After almost five years of struggling with infertility, the God of miracles decided to give us our dream, a child.
I would love to say that it was with great faith and patience that we came into this part of our story but truly I was reaching the point of moving on, just accepting that the Lord didn't have children in the plan for us. I was trying to plug in and invest in the children around us, whether family or church, because if I couldn't impact my own children for the future then I was going to try to impact someone else's. I was just tired of the struggle of wondering, hoping, crying, lacking faith and ready to move on.

I really didn't have any suspicions that I was expecting that Saturday morning, I figured with the crazy beginning of summer my hormones had gotten off balance again and I was going to start an herbal supplement to help rebalance them. But of course like every bottle of any supplement or medicine it says to be sure you aren't pregnant or breastfeeding before starting.
 That morning Working Man headed to the basement with coffee to start reading his Bible, and I went to use the bathroom and take the test, without telling him, because well- so many previously failed pregnancy tests. I figured it would be one more. But immediately it was two lines. It was different than before. I began to shake; shock, most likely.  What were all those creative things I had thought of to tell my husband?! And how in the world could I wait to tell him until I got what I needed for the surprise?

There was no way. I tried to give him some time to read him Bible and tried to spend some time reading mine before sending him into shock. 

All that kept running through my mind was a verse that I had memorized years before during one of the hard times:

"He maketh the barren woman to keep house,

and to be the joyful mother of children.

Praise ye the Lord."

Psalms 113:9



Finally my time had come, I had been the barren woman keeping house, and now I was to be the joyful mother of a child. Praise only to the Lord.

When I went downstairs, I wasn't even sure how to bring it up, I mean it's not every Saturday morning I take a pregnancy test. I crawled in the chair with him and told him that I took a test.

"And?"

"And you're gonna be a dad."

And more shock commenced. Along with a look of wonder. And multiple questions on how I felt.

I felt so humbled. I hadn't even been praying like I should have for a child, or probably even as much as so many other people had been praying for us. But despite of my weakness God said it was time.

I apologize that it has been six months and this is the first I really wrote about it. With regular life and then new baby life and all that brings, things have been moving right along here.

I almost feel guilty that this pregnancy has been such a breeze. No sickness, no strange cravings, no bad glucose numbers. Outside of the annoyances of stretching stomach muscles, it's been so fun.

Around 21 weeks we had an ultrasound to find out what we were having, something I thought I wouldn't want to do with my first. But we had waited so long and it was one of the first things that my husband asked when I told him I was expecting, "how soon can we find out?" I thought for sure it was a girl based on the heartbeat, but I was proved wrong when the technician told us that we were having a boy.

We already had names we had discussed so Jackson Lee it is. And with a little less than 8 weeks until his due date we are so excited to meet him and see who he favors and what his little personality will be.

I don't ever want to forget that long wait, and the pain and struggle infertility was, because God did it for our good and it's made this baby and this pregnancy all the more special . I plan on trying to do a bump update soon, although it may be the only one I do before he is here. I do so miss blogging and hope to find a time to write more and hopefully have internet at the house. I still have dreams of a new blogging website with a new vision and maybe one day it will happen but at the moment I'm getting for the treasure that the Lord is getting ready to give us. 

An Open Letter to Mamas From a Grateful Barren Woman

This week marks Infertility Awareness Week, and in honor of this week and it's role in my life I thought I would share something I wrote a couple weeks ago. Check again next week for another infertility post, The Blessings of Infertility.

When Christmas Hurts This Year

Christmas can be, and is, a difficult time for some people. Whether because of a missing loved one this year, unresolved conflicts, or unfufilled dreams.

Digging Deep | Write It Down

Hello Friends! I realize this months post for Digging Deep is a week late, but better late than never right? Actually, this month snuck up on me, and I realized it on the fifth and didn't have my thoughts ready to write. I was getting my thoughts together but then Working man got sick and we all know plans change when the husband is home. Hehe!

Digging Deep | Infertility Lessons from Hannah

People love to have someone else to relate to, especially in difficult situations in life. We want to know how other people cope with hurt, suffer through disappointment, and respond to people who make insensitive comments. I don't know how many times I have read the story of Hannah (found in I Samuel 1) but back in April I was having a particularly hard time with not having children. I took time to really meditate, study, and write down some lessons on Infertility from the life of Hannah. Studying how she lived, breathed, struggled, and overcomed infertility is someone I want to relate to, to model.



Infertility Lessons from the Life of Hannah

For better understanding, take a few minutes and read the first chapter of I Samuel.

Her Label /vs.2/ The first thing we are told about Hannah is that she is barren, broken, infertile. That was what she was known for: Hannah, wife of Elkanah, has no children. Talk about a stereotype!

Blessing of a Godly Husband /vs.3-4/ Hannah was barren but she was blessed with a godly husband, he went yearly and made sacrifices for his family. And Hannah held a special spot in Elkanah's heart, despite her barrenness. He loved her for who she was, not what she could and couldn't give him. This was particularly convicting to me because I too have a godly husband who loves me despite our not having a family yet.

God Closed the Womb /vs.5/ The Lord was the one who closed up Hannah's womb. Why? What was His purpose? Why has he not given us children, He is the Giver of Life? I don't know the answer to these questions, but I struggle asking them.

Ridicule May Come /vs. 6/ Hannah was provoked by Penninah, Elkanah's other wife. Ridiculed for what the Lord had done in Hannah's life, to Hannah's body.

Weeping is Ok /vs.7,10/ Hannah wept. She was hurting. Hannah knew grief. The Lord showed me in these verses that this was a read burden that Hannah carried, and it was made evident every month. And it isn't mentioned anywhere that her crying and her grief were wrong.

Hannah Lived with Heaviness /vs.10/ The Bible tells us that Hannah was in bitterness of soul. What a graphic picture. The bitterness was great heaviness, dicontentedness of her whole being. I know that feeling. You don't want to face the world, people, church, life. You ache and want to weep because there is no small life growing in you.

Pray, and Never Stop /vs. 10/ Hannah prayed. She wept at Jesus' feet. He felt her hurt, He bore her pain and shame of barrenness. Infertility was a great disgrace to women during Bible times, but the strangest thing is no matter what a women tried to help her barrenness, God is the only one who could give life. They couldn't change their barrenness.

Keep Your Promises /vs. 11/ Hannah promised the Lord if He would grant her request she would raise and give the child to Him.

Her Sorrow was Evident /vs. 15/ When Eil saw Hannah in the tabernacle He mistook her for being drunk. But she explained that she was a woman of a sorrowful spirit. {Sorrowful- servere, grievious sorrow} Spirit is life, so her life was a life of severely grievious sorrow.

Pour it All Out to the Lord /vs. 15/ Hannah poured out her soul. She spilled forth her desire, her very breath to the Lord while she poured her tears.

Be Faithful /vs. 16/ Hannah told Eli she wasn't a daughter of Satan, she was a faithful daughter of God. She was striving for holiness and well pleasing to God. Her barrenness wasn't a result of a disobedient life, she was walking with the Lord.

God Hears /vs. 17/ God heard her. And He hears me ever time I pour out my grief to Him. He is the Comforter.

/vs. 18/ When she heard from God she was no longer sad and kept her promise to the Lord. But do you think she took times to stop and thank God the blessed miracle of that son? I want to think she did. She only had Samuel home for a few years before he was taken to the tabernacle to serve with Eli. But guess what? The Lord blessed that faithfulness and promise kept, He gave Hannah five more children (I Sam. 2:21)

These truths from the life of Hannah were just what I needed on that day I was struggling in April. The Lord knew. I had been reading straight through my Bible and that morning when I opened to read I was to start the book of Samuel. The truth? I thought about skipping those chapters that day, I just didn't feel like being reminded of more infertility. But I didn't, I read the assigned passage and then I wept at God's timing. He knows, He feels our hurts, He hears the questions we are asked, and He answered Hannah. Be faithful! Keep hope!

Infertility: Human Weakness

In every person's life there is weakness, there is struggle, there are trials. I would say my biggest struggle is not having children. Like I wrote in May, One in Eight people are affected by infertility. Infertility is defined as a couple who have been trying to have a baby for over a year and haven't been successful. My whole life all I've wanted to be is a Wife and Mother, but yet God hasn't allowed Mamahood yet.

One in Eight

I don't want to write this post. I've put this off for well over a couple of months, more than a year actually. Yet I know the Lord wants me to write. I think it will help me and help those around me. Maybe my hurt will be a help to someone else. So many thoughts swirling around in my head, "How much do I write?", "Where do I even start?", "Should I even do this?". So much pain, grief, brokenness inside. So today I share.